Maybe It’s All Okay

Where to start?

I found the note, below, that I journaled about 9months ago — probably half-sleep — that I’d like to share in full vulnerability: 

It may not be obvious — in fact I didn’t realize it — but I’m battling insecurities, anxiety, depression and self doubt almost every hour of every day. And no, I’m not being dramatic when I say almost every hour. I can thank my BFF insomnia for that! I’m literally up 20 – 22 hours a day carrying the stresses of the world on my shoulders. Replaying everything I did wrong the day before…the last three months…and that one thing I did 8 years ago that I’m just sure is going to resurface again any day now. And then worrying about tomorrow…about everything I already know I’m not going to get done…everyone who I already know I’m going to be letting down…about how stupid that decision was….and how tired and groggy I’m going to be in the morning if I can’t get at least another hour of sleep. 

I’m on one of those merry-go-rounds in the park going high speed. I don’t know how to get off so I hold on for dear life and try not to look to the outside; because that’s when I feel nauseous and overwhelmed. So I’m stuck in high speed mode at all times. And every once in a while I close my eyes and try to remove myself from this daily pattern, but that’s when I reflect on how insignificant I am, and how insignificant my worries are, and how disappointing I’ve become. 

This has been my life for at least the last year, previously with doses here and there, but now progressively getting worse. One night a friend sensed that I hadn’t been myself and made me promise to tell him when I wasn’t good. For the first time I stuttered, “I’m not okay.” Hearing those words come from my own mouth startled me and it was the first time I acknowledged that there was a problem — and that maybe the problem wasn’t just me being too dumb, or naive, or lazy, or….  I don’t know when, where or how this happened, but somewhere along the way my internal soundtrack really took a turn for the worst. 

So where am I now? I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t slow down the merry-go-round. So I’ve decided to jump off. What that means in everyday terms, first and foremost, is that I’m quitting my job.

I quit my job in December because I burned out. And despite whatever story I told people, the truth is I had absolutely nothing lined up and no solid plans other than to heal. I didn’t know what was ahead for me, I just knew that I was suffering mentally, physically and emotionally. I won’t blame the job for years of poor self care, but I did recognize that I wasn’t going to be able to take the time I needed while in that environment. 

“You feel burnout when you’ve exhausted all your internal resources, yet cannot free yourself of the nervous compulsion to go on regardless.” – Anne Helen Peterson

So I chose to leave, which is probably my greatest accomplishment to date. Those who know me understand my need for itineraries, excel spreadsheets, and 12-month plans to keep sane. But for the first time in a long time I calmed my mind, connected with my intuition, and ultimately decided to trust myself. 

On my last day, despite working until 8pm and feeling a sense of security and clarity slipping away, there was a moment that I stole from the overwhelming busyness of the day. For the first time, possibly in years, I felt absolute peace. While the voice in my head nagged, “I can’t believe you’re giving up!” something brought me back to my old self. The girl who dreamed of living, working, and taking in the city of New York so badly that it would make her emotional. So ambitious, wanting to climb the corporate ladder and work at a big company that would provide lots of adventures. For the first time I realized I had accomplished a dream of mine. Not part of one, or one that society had instilled in me, but a dream of my own. I realized that part of the confusion I was experiencing was growing pains because my dream had now changed. I wasn’t crazy for feeling it was time to close this chapter. I was, and always had been, exactly where I was supposed to be. Peace.

So I set out to heal and grow without fully understanding what this would entail.

“Having leisure at one’s disposal does not improve the quality of life unless one knows how to use it effectively, and it is by no means something one learns automatically.” – Brigid Schulte

Unfortunately that peace was short-lived. I went from not having the time, energy, or capacity to feel anything to suddenly feeling everything. My anxiety spiked. Removing the veil to face the source of my suffering (my own mind) was harder than I imagined. And when mysterious chronic pain began tormenting me, panic ensued. Naturally, frustration sparked: I had made the ultimate leap of faith by dropping all forms of security to invest in my self preservation but here I was, getting worse. So I grasped onto the one thing I knew to do in order to regain control: plan. I gave myself a deadline to be “back to my normal self” because this is how my journalist/planner/type A mind operates. 

But as you can imagine, this did not work. Because you can mark a date for pain to dissolve, anxiety to letup, loneliness to subside, or to feel like yourself again, but that doesn’t mean it will happen. Telling myself that I needed to be okay by *this date* just added more pressure, frustration, and shame to the process. I’m now learning it may be better to sit in the discomfort without trying to fix it, and instead try to understand why it’s even there.

“Maybe it’s okay if it takes time to be okay. Maybe healing is a road that is lined with endless grace.” – Morgan Harper Nichols

This is only a small snippet of the very long, winding story of my past year. So much has made me smile and yet so much has knocked me down. My mind still can’t figure out how to formulate all my thoughts cohesively so maybe I’ll share a little at a time. For now, I do feel compelled to share this portion to inform anyone reading this that I write this from a place of continued struggle. I’m still healing. I don’t have a hero’s ending, or advice for how to handle/recover from burnout, or any foolproof tips for navigating choppy waters. But if you’re in the midst of a major life transition and feel like everything around you is unraveling, I can offer assurance that you’re not alone. I thought I’d have reached the “other side” by now but I think this chapter in my life includes a lesson in patience.

“Beautiful things take time.” – unknown

A few reminders that you probably already know but may need to see: 

• • Be nice. You don’t know what people are going through. And even if you do, you don’t know the full extent of how people experience life events.
  • Check in on people. Your busy schedule isn’t going to slow down so find time to squeeze them in. 
  • Give people their flowers now. Everyday we have the opportunity to tell people how much they mean to us or how much their stories inspire us. Don’t wait and don’t assume they know. 
  • Slow down. Whether you like it or not you’re eventually going to have to slow down if you’re doing too much. So you can either do it on your own accord or the universe will do it for you. 
  • This too shall pass. We’ll be okay.

Sending love ❤️

Solo Trip to Amsterdam

Okay so I’ve fallen WAY behind in blogging so in an effort to get back on schedule, I’m backtracking starting at summer 2017…

When I started my job at Spotify and was told that I would be attending “Intro Days” in Stockholm. Knowing that they only hold Intro Days four times a year (February, June, August, November), I felt very lucky to be getting the chance to go to Europe in August (no snow, woohoo!). With such luck, I decided to maximize my time abroad and brainstorm which other city I could squeeze in time to visit. After juggling options and asking around, I felt Amsterdam would be perfect spot for a laidback solo trip.

Day 1 – First Impressions

I landed in Amsterdam and was able to easily navigate my way from the airport to my hotel using public transportation. Upon arrival I checked into The Student Hotel, located in Wibautstraat. While the hotel housed travelers, it also served as a permanent living space for students and provided a working space for professional creatives. I liked the fun and young communal vibe.

After taking a moment to lay down and regroup (I never sleep on the planes) I figured the best way to adjust to the time difference was to get up and go out. I figured I’d also tackle the most touristy activity first–a canal boat ride! In Amsterdam you can take an evening canal ride from 7pm until midnight and enjoy a glass of wine along with it. So that’s what I did–somehow I managed to stay up until midnight listening to the history of Amsterdam while cruising through the canals. While difficult to capture on camera, the city was beautiful at night.

Before the boat ride I wondered around the city and was surprised by the diversity in the city. With a prominent black community I didn’t feel like I stood out like a sore thumb, but I honestly feel like a saw all races, religions and shades represented in Amsterdam. That evening I walked past several art performances in the streets that all centered around the themes of ACCEPTANCE and EQUALITY.

 

Day 2 – Biking Everywhere

I expected to see lots of bikes in Amsterdam but I didn’t comprehend how many bikes would be whizzing by. While Amsterdam has reliable public transportation, cars, and Uber, the majority of locals opt for their bikes. So I rented a bike from the hotel to visit as many of the different neighborhoods of Amsterdam that I could squeeze in one day. That included: Canal Ring, Centrum, Oost, Jordaan, Noord and probably several others that I don’t know the names of.

In the Canal Ring I visited Bloemenmarkt, a flower market, and walked down a never-ending strip of tulips. I also walked through the Cheese Museum (seriously) and admired all the cheese from a distance. In Jordaan I treated myself to stroopwafels, a heavenly Dutch cookie made with caramel, waffles (and love). By Centrum I walked into Greenhouse Cafe and people-watched (calm down, mom) locals openly smoking weed, or as it was only refer to it there, cannabis. I took a ferry to Noord where I headed to A’DAM Lookout, which provided amazing views of the entire city. I biked all the way to NDSM Werf, where I thought I had made a wrong turn because I found myself alone with a bunch of empty warehouses. Turns out I was in the right spot because toward the water were restaurants and bars with games and music for those who dared to venture off the beaten path. I ended the day at Vondelpark where I realized how tired I was after a full day of biking and walking.

I ended the day at spot called, Pancake Corner, which sold sweet and savory giant pancakes. I got the shrimp and spinach pancake and it hit the spot! Actually, didn’t end the day there; I somehow mustered up more energy to head out that night to a jazz spot in the center of town. I can’t recall the name but it was enjoyable. And yes, at 2am people were still riding to and from the bars on their bikes.

Day 3 – All Day Art

I purposely saved all the museums for the chilly, rainy day. I started at the FOAM Museum, which had an exhibit of Gordon Parks’ photography. It was interesting being in Amsterdam viewing art all centered around Harlem, my current home.

On my way to the next museum I passed through the neighborhood of De Pijp and ran into Albert Cuypmarkt, which is a foodies dream! Oh my goodness, so many tasty renditions of pancakes and waffles! I recorded several vendors making fresh stroopwafels with warm caramel. My mouth is watering thinking about it. You could also find clothes, souvenirs, seafood, nuts and sandwiches in the market. When I finally reached Museumplein, where various prestigious museums are located, I chose to go to the Rijksmuseum, which is a 19th-century building housing Dutch Golden Age painting masterpieces. Also in the area are the Van Gogh Museum and the Stedelijk Museum.

I returned back De Pijp to pig out on a full rack of ribs (I was SO hungry) at Cafe de Pjip. Re-energized, I decided to hit up one last museum for the day–the Anne Frank Huis. I don’t want to go through all the details as to why, but this was by far my favorite museum in Amsterdam. I left with tears but feeling so fortunate to have been able to walk through the house where Anne Frank and her family hid for two years.

Be forewarned, this museum seems to be a favorite to others as well. I came at the end of the day since hoping to miss the crowd. When I arrived at 8pm I still had to wait an hour to enter. Still, well worth it. In fact in while waiting a Dutch man came and started playing “Despacito” on the violin. All the locals knew the Spanish words; it was great. That night while scrolling through social media I learned about the white supremacists in Charlottesville. It was (and still is) eery, sad and very scary. Please, visit the Anne Frank House while in Amsterdam and tell others to do the same.

Day 4 – Dutch Countryside

On my last full day in Amsterdam I was excited to venture out to Old Holland, specifically Zaanse Schanse and Volendam. I wasn’t sure how to get to either town but after wandering through Central Station I found a bus that was stopping at both. I hopped on and decided to see where it would take me.

First stop was Zaanse Schanse. It’s a very touristy so I recommend getting there early before all the crowds arrive. It’s dressed up to mirror old Dutch lifestyle with windmills, old-fashioned bakeries and clog shops. In each space there is a shop that showcases how

After the crowds started getting out of hand in Zaanse Schanse I decided it was time to hop on the bus to Volendam. It was a perfect day for strolling down the boardwalk and tasting different chocolates and caramel treats. People anchored their boats at the dock and just laid out for a perfect day of sunshine.

That evening I had dinner at Moeder’s, which is Mother’s in Dutch. If you’re looking for some comfort food, I recommend stopping by.

All in all I highly recommend Amsterdam for a solo traveling woman. The city is easy to navigate, the people are friendly, and you can easily get by only speaking English.

Let me know if you have any plans to visit Amsterdam!

Escape to Cartagena

If you know me, you know that I desperately try to get these blog posts out in a timely manner but I often fall short. Therefore let’s pretend I just stepped off the plane  rather than three weeks ago and  I am freshly reflecting on my time relaxing oceanside in Cartagena, Colombia. Traveling to Cartagena was the result of a sporadic desire for excitement. Needing some spontaneity in my life, I decided to venture to South America, a continent I hadn’t visited before. Why Cartagena? I ran across a JetBlue vacation package and to be honest, the Google images looked cool. So I convinced Alejandro, my friend and Spanish-speaking confidante to join, packed my bathing suit and bug spray, and we were set for our South American adventure.

 

Day 1 – Much-Needed Island Breeze

The flight to Cartagena from New York was an easy 5-hour direct trip. Upon arrival, we were welcomed with a THICK layer of humidity and 85-degree weather. The temperature was 40 degrees when we left New York so we were sweating our way through customs. The hotel picked us up from CGA airport and shuttled us to Hotel Las Americas where we loved our stay. Because the Colombian peso goes much further than the American dollar we were able to afford the 5-star accommodations (flips hair). The hotel is located in La Boquilla, a fishing village in Cartagena that is about 5 minutes from the airport and 10 minutes from the city center. The beaches are calm and quiet and there’s plenty of fresh fish to go around.

After we spent time lounging by the pool and enjoying a delicious dinner, we headed into the Walled City to watch the sunset at Cafe del Mar, a popular outdoor destination to grab a drink and listen to music. We caught the sunset just in time as you can see from pictures!

 

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Day 2 – Colorful Cartagena

The following day we headed to Old Town to wander through the streets of central Cartagena. It’s as though the city was frozen in time hundreds of years ago. The architecture remains intact and the bold colors pop from one building to the next. We wandered past hostels, shops, and soccer viewing parties on the way to Castillo San Felipe, a castle built on the hill of San Lazaro. Once we climbed up the fortress we made our way through a complex system of tunnels. Once on top of the fort we were able to get a great view of the city.

Afterward, we grabbed lunch at Cande, an upscale Caribbean restaurant with live music and dancing. As became routine, I ordered some form of  fresh seafood and ceviche for each and every meal while in Cartagena. In fact, I could build a complete slideshow all the dishes of fish I devoured with a mojito on the side. What’s special about Cande is that 100% of the food comes from Cartagena.

After a long day we decided to head back out to the “Infamous” Cafe Havana, where we enjoyed delicious arepas, mojitos and lots of salsa dancing. We were hinted that there is always live music at Cafe Havana so I definitely recommend visiting!

 

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Day 3 – Rolling in the Mud

This excursion was something that I had seen online and from the pictures, I knew this was something I really wanted to partake in. Where and when else would I be covered head to toe in mineral-infusing mud? Only at Volcan de Lodo el Totumo.

The day started with an hour bus ride from our hotel to the outskirts of Cartagena. We pulled up to a small village where there a small home with lockers would hold our belongings. Before packing up our valuables, we (Alejandro) gave our phones and cameras to one of the many workers  who would take pictures of us in the volcano. Of course, we were initially nervous about this set up but they did a great job of not mixing up any phones and producing quality pictures.

We climbed up the very steep steps of the volcano and one by one, climbed down the ladder into the mud. You can tell by my facial expressions below that I initially did not know how to feel. There were lots in people in the space with us and the mud was warm so I tried to tune out all thoughts of what could be in this mud. Also, we were floating which caused some balance issues as we were constantly tipped over. We got some good laughs out of the situation.

As we exited the volcano someone scraped the mud off and guided us down the other set of very steep stairs to the river. Once dipping in the river the mud came off fairly easily. After drying off and grabbing a snack, we were back on the bus to head to La Boquilla to enjoy (another) pescado (fish)/tostones (plantains)/arroz de coco (coconut rice) lunch and a beach day with our tour group.

Later than evening we jumped on the Chiva Night Rumba Tour. The Chiva tour is catered to tourists who are visiting Cartagena.  Think NY City tour bus but with rum and live music…and arepas. So I guess it’s not like the NY City tour bus…

The bus stops at various hotels across Bocagrande to pump up tourists for an entertaining sightseeing tour around Cartagena. Depending on the seating arrangement, you’re placed in small groups to share a bottle of Aguardiente rum. You can see us (kinda) dancing in our seats as the mariachi band performs in the back. We were the first stop so by the end of the night the bus was packed.

Heads up, the tour is completely in Spanish, which is why once again, I was fortunate to have my handy dandy translator, Alejandro, to help me understand what the heck the tour was about. My favorite part was when they called me out as the girl from los Estados Unidos and asked me to get up and dance and I had no idea. After my awkward hesitation I think everyone realized I was the one person on the bus who didn’t speak Spanish.

Half way through the tour we stopped in the Walled City where other Chiva tours were parked for arepas and more live music. After jumping back on the bus the last stop left us at a night club that was a drop off point for all other Chiva tours. So imagine a club full of rum-infused tourists. Yes, it was a fun night.

 

 

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Day 4 – Playa Blanca

Obviously we couldn’t go to Colombia without spending a full day laying at one of the Caribbean beaches. While there are many beaches to choose from, we chose probably the most popular, Playa Blanca.

Once again, we were picked up for about an hour bus ride to the beach. The beaches of Playa Blanca on the Island of Baru are completely different from the beaches of Cartagena. It looks like Caribbean water with the bright blue colors. Once there you can grab a beach chair,  umbrella, and a locker to head out into the water. Some popular activities include snorkeling, jetskiing, scuba diving, . We decided to go on the private snorkeling tour where they even took pictures of us underwater, BUT unfortunately we forgot to pick up the pictures before we left so pretend this was us:

Lunch was provided after our snorkeling adventure and guess what was on the menu? Yep, pescado, tostones, y arroz de coco–my favorite staple! After lunch there was a free happy hour with rum, vodka and tequila. Free was especially great because by this point we had run out of cash (there’s story about this as you scroll down). In the late afternoon we headed back to the hotel very very sunburnt but relaxed.

We ended the evening in the city center with dinner at La Cocina de Cartagena, where I had my usual–you guessed, it, pescado, tostones y arroz de coco con un mojito! There was live music at this restaurant as well and fireworks went off as we were heading out. We never found out why there were fireworks but it was a fitting finale to our trip.

 

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Tips for Traveling to Cartagena

• Convert your cash at the airport: There aren’t many ATMs in Cartagena and when the ATM in our hotel broke down (luckily on the last day) we were left with the cash we had in our pockets. Unfortunately, that’s when we were headed to the beach where everything had to be paid in cash. We were strugglingFortunately at the beach Alejandro was able to negotiate so we could afford the beach chairs, snorkeling and locker rental, which brings me to my next point…
• Speak Spanish: Everyone, including the hotel staff, only spoke Spanish. Most people visiting Cartagena are from other South American countries and very few are from the U.S. or Europe. We met a few people along the way who could speak about as much English as I can speak Spanish (which isn’t much) but I’d have been screwed if Alejandro hadn’t been my translator!
• Pack light: I’ve already mentioned how hot and humid Cartagena is so I’d only recommend loose and light clothing.
• Must love fish: Every single meal I ate was fish, plantains and arroz de coco which I loved. If you’re a fish person, you’ll love Cartagena!
• Purchase your excursions in Cartagena, not in advance: If you look up some of the excursions online you’ll see that you can reserve a tour in advance. No need to do that, the hotel and hostels will set you up once you arrive and walk you through the day and the options. It’s also cheaper to purchase the tours in Cartagena rather than online ahead of time.
• It’s ColOmbia, not ColUmbia: Columbia is the university in Harlem, Colombia is the South American country. Don’t mix it up!

I loved visiting Cartagena and was surprised by how many people I knew had already been! Let me know if you’re planning to visit Cartagena any time soon!

Muslim Ban Protest NYC – Jan 29 2017

Yesterday I stood with thousands of New Yorkers at Battery Park, overlooking the Statue of Liberty, to protest the Muslim travel ban Donald Trump placed earlier that weekend. I love living in a sanctuary city, especially in times like these.

Who Am I? My Ancentry.com Results

“What are you?” is a question I’m often asked and when I respond “black” it never seems to satisfy those who are so curious. I always get nudged to further explain my ethnicity (which is annoying by the way) but the fact of the matter is, I’ve never fully known. I’ve known that I have African and European traces on my father’s side and African and Native American on my mother’s. Yet it bothered me that I didn’t know details of where my African lineage traced back to. It’s not uncommon for media, or society in general, to refer to Africa as a homogeneous land without differentiating the countries and cultures within the massive continent (there are 54 recognized countries, 2,000 languages spoken and over 1.1 billion citizens within Africa).

It almost felt as though understanding and claiming my specific African roots would help debunk the myth that the entirety of Africa and African culture are identical. I also strongly identify as African American and an important part of our history is slavery. As one can imagine, slavery stripped us of our tribes, culture,  traditions, and ultimately the ability to track our African ancestry and details of our ethnicity. Getting my DNA results felt like I was taking back something that was brutally stolen from me and my family.

Therefore on my birthday this year I requested an AncestryDNA test to discover a small piece of my ancestors. Once I received the kit I simply had to provide a saliva sample and ship it back to the lab (which was complimentary by the way). Within 2 or 3 weeks I received an email stating that my results were in.

Before I revealed the results to my curious family, my parents gave their guesses:

Mom: 70% African, 15% European, 15% Native American

Dad: 65% African, 30% European, 5% Native American

The final results were as follows:

62% African, 36% European, 2% Asian

You can see in the left tab that the majority of my DNA traces to Ivory Coast/Ghana (26%), Cameroon/Congo (17%) and Ireland (14%). Sorry mom, no traces of any Native American in my blood; not even one percent! I must say, that was unsurprising to me (I feel like everyone claims that they’re Native American) but of course surprising to my mother. What I was not expecting was any traces of Asian ancestry, especially since my DNA was mapped to India and the Turkmenistan/Afghanistan/Uzbekistan region. Although just 2% is apparent, it does make me curious about where that came from! Of course it was very valuable learning about my specific African ancestry: I was traced back to 9 African regions.

What’s also worthwhile about Ancestry.com is that based on your DNA, they’ll match you to other people who have taken the test who are believed to be related to you. The first person who popped up for me was my first cousin so I trust the accuracy.

At this point almost everyone in my family has now requested an Ancestry kit for Christmas since they’ve been so intrigued with the results. This excites me because if my parents take the test I’ll have a better understanding of my maternal and paternal history and which side my results derive from.

Overall I’m very happy that I decided to get the test and learn more about my family and myself. There’s definitely a relief in taking back something that is so personal to me.