Maybe It’s All Okay

Where to start?

I found the note, below, that I journaled about 9months ago — probably half-sleep — that I’d like to share in full vulnerability: 

It may not be obvious — in fact I didn’t realize it — but I’m battling insecurities, anxiety, depression and self doubt almost every hour of every day. And no, I’m not being dramatic when I say almost every hour. I can thank my BFF insomnia for that! I’m literally up 20 – 22 hours a day carrying the stresses of the world on my shoulders. Replaying everything I did wrong the day before…the last three months…and that one thing I did 8 years ago that I’m just sure is going to resurface again any day now. And then worrying about tomorrow…about everything I already know I’m not going to get done…everyone who I already know I’m going to be letting down…about how stupid that decision was….and how tired and groggy I’m going to be in the morning if I can’t get at least another hour of sleep. 

I’m on one of those merry-go-rounds in the park going high speed. I don’t know how to get off so I hold on for dear life and try not to look to the outside; because that’s when I feel nauseous and overwhelmed. So I’m stuck in high speed mode at all times. And every once in a while I close my eyes and try to remove myself from this daily pattern, but that’s when I reflect on how insignificant I am, and how insignificant my worries are, and how disappointing I’ve become. 

This has been my life for at least the last year, previously with doses here and there, but now progressively getting worse. One night a friend sensed that I hadn’t been myself and made me promise to tell him when I wasn’t good. For the first time I stuttered, “I’m not okay.” Hearing those words come from my own mouth startled me and it was the first time I acknowledged that there was a problem — and that maybe the problem wasn’t just me being too dumb, or naive, or lazy, or….  I don’t know when, where or how this happened, but somewhere along the way my internal soundtrack really took a turn for the worst. 

So where am I now? I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t slow down the merry-go-round. So I’ve decided to jump off. What that means in everyday terms, first and foremost, is that I’m quitting my job.

I quit my job in December because I burned out. And despite whatever story I told people, the truth is I had absolutely nothing lined up and no solid plans other than to heal. I didn’t know what was ahead for me, I just knew that I was suffering mentally, physically and emotionally. I won’t blame the job for years of poor self care, but I did recognize that I wasn’t going to be able to take the time I needed while in that environment. 

“You feel burnout when you’ve exhausted all your internal resources, yet cannot free yourself of the nervous compulsion to go on regardless.” – Anne Helen Peterson

So I chose to leave, which is probably my greatest accomplishment to date. Those who know me understand my need for itineraries, excel spreadsheets, and 12-month plans to keep sane. But for the first time in a long time I calmed my mind, connected with my intuition, and ultimately decided to trust myself. 

On my last day, despite working until 8pm and feeling a sense of security and clarity slipping away, there was a moment that I stole from the overwhelming busyness of the day. For the first time, possibly in years, I felt absolute peace. While the voice in my head nagged, “I can’t believe you’re giving up!” something brought me back to my old self. The girl who dreamed of living, working, and taking in the city of New York so badly that it would make her emotional. So ambitious, wanting to climb the corporate ladder and work at a big company that would provide lots of adventures. For the first time I realized I had accomplished a dream of mine. Not part of one, or one that society had instilled in me, but a dream of my own. I realized that part of the confusion I was experiencing was growing pains because my dream had now changed. I wasn’t crazy for feeling it was time to close this chapter. I was, and always had been, exactly where I was supposed to be. Peace.

So I set out to heal and grow without fully understanding what this would entail.

“Having leisure at one’s disposal does not improve the quality of life unless one knows how to use it effectively, and it is by no means something one learns automatically.” – Brigid Schulte

Unfortunately that peace was short-lived. I went from not having the time, energy, or capacity to feel anything to suddenly feeling everything. My anxiety spiked. Removing the veil to face the source of my suffering (my own mind) was harder than I imagined. And when mysterious chronic pain began tormenting me, panic ensued. Naturally, frustration sparked: I had made the ultimate leap of faith by dropping all forms of security to invest in my self preservation but here I was, getting worse. So I grasped onto the one thing I knew to do in order to regain control: plan. I gave myself a deadline to be “back to my normal self” because this is how my journalist/planner/type A mind operates. 

But as you can imagine, this did not work. Because you can mark a date for pain to dissolve, anxiety to letup, loneliness to subside, or to feel like yourself again, but that doesn’t mean it will happen. Telling myself that I needed to be okay by *this date* just added more pressure, frustration, and shame to the process. I’m now learning it may be better to sit in the discomfort without trying to fix it, and instead try to understand why it’s even there.

“Maybe it’s okay if it takes time to be okay. Maybe healing is a road that is lined with endless grace.” – Morgan Harper Nichols

This is only a small snippet of the very long, winding story of my past year. So much has made me smile and yet so much has knocked me down. My mind still can’t figure out how to formulate all my thoughts cohesively so maybe I’ll share a little at a time. For now, I do feel compelled to share this portion to inform anyone reading this that I write this from a place of continued struggle. I’m still healing. I don’t have a hero’s ending, or advice for how to handle/recover from burnout, or any foolproof tips for navigating choppy waters. But if you’re in the midst of a major life transition and feel like everything around you is unraveling, I can offer assurance that you’re not alone. I thought I’d have reached the “other side” by now but I think this chapter in my life includes a lesson in patience.

“Beautiful things take time.” – unknown

A few reminders that you probably already know but may need to see: 

• • Be nice. You don’t know what people are going through. And even if you do, you don’t know the full extent of how people experience life events.
  • Check in on people. Your busy schedule isn’t going to slow down so find time to squeeze them in. 
  • Give people their flowers now. Everyday we have the opportunity to tell people how much they mean to us or how much their stories inspire us. Don’t wait and don’t assume they know. 
  • Slow down. Whether you like it or not you’re eventually going to have to slow down if you’re doing too much. So you can either do it on your own accord or the universe will do it for you. 
  • This too shall pass. We’ll be okay.

Sending love ❤️

Muslim Ban Protest NYC – Jan 29 2017

Yesterday I stood with thousands of New Yorkers at Battery Park, overlooking the Statue of Liberty, to protest the Muslim travel ban Donald Trump placed earlier that weekend. I love living in a sanctuary city, especially in times like these.

Who Am I? My Ancentry.com Results

“What are you?” is a question I’m often asked and when I respond “black” it never seems to satisfy those who are so curious. I always get nudged to further explain my ethnicity (which is annoying by the way) but the fact of the matter is, I’ve never fully known. I’ve known that I have African and European traces on my father’s side and African and Native American on my mother’s. Yet it bothered me that I didn’t know details of where my African lineage traced back to. It’s not uncommon for media, or society in general, to refer to Africa as a homogeneous land without differentiating the countries and cultures within the massive continent (there are 54 recognized countries, 2,000 languages spoken and over 1.1 billion citizens within Africa).

It almost felt as though understanding and claiming my specific African roots would help debunk the myth that the entirety of Africa and African culture are identical. I also strongly identify as African American and an important part of our history is slavery. As one can imagine, slavery stripped us of our tribes, culture,  traditions, and ultimately the ability to track our African ancestry and details of our ethnicity. Getting my DNA results felt like I was taking back something that was brutally stolen from me and my family.

Therefore on my birthday this year I requested an AncestryDNA test to discover a small piece of my ancestors. Once I received the kit I simply had to provide a saliva sample and ship it back to the lab (which was complimentary by the way). Within 2 or 3 weeks I received an email stating that my results were in.

Before I revealed the results to my curious family, my parents gave their guesses:

Mom: 70% African, 15% European, 15% Native American

Dad: 65% African, 30% European, 5% Native American

The final results were as follows:

62% African, 36% European, 2% Asian

You can see in the left tab that the majority of my DNA traces to Ivory Coast/Ghana (26%), Cameroon/Congo (17%) and Ireland (14%). Sorry mom, no traces of any Native American in my blood; not even one percent! I must say, that was unsurprising to me (I feel like everyone claims that they’re Native American) but of course surprising to my mother. What I was not expecting was any traces of Asian ancestry, especially since my DNA was mapped to India and the Turkmenistan/Afghanistan/Uzbekistan region. Although just 2% is apparent, it does make me curious about where that came from! Of course it was very valuable learning about my specific African ancestry: I was traced back to 9 African regions.

What’s also worthwhile about Ancestry.com is that based on your DNA, they’ll match you to other people who have taken the test who are believed to be related to you. The first person who popped up for me was my first cousin so I trust the accuracy.

At this point almost everyone in my family has now requested an Ancestry kit for Christmas since they’ve been so intrigued with the results. This excites me because if my parents take the test I’ll have a better understanding of my maternal and paternal history and which side my results derive from.

Overall I’m very happy that I decided to get the test and learn more about my family and myself. There’s definitely a relief in taking back something that is so personal to me.

Books Reccos You Can Thank Me For Later

As a kid I was an adamant reader–in fact, competitive. I took my reading duties very seriously. Each year I “won” amongst my classmates for most AR points and most books read throughout the year.  Before I went to sleep I would always read new stories in bed.

Unfortunately I fell out of this habit (thank you technology for my decreased attention span) but one item that has rekindled my love of reading has been my handy dandy library card. I caught myself being the girl who would “test read” books at the Barnes & Nobles but actually finished them in a single sitting….without purchasing the book. So in an attempt to be more ethical,  I got a library card when I moved to New York. It’s provided me endless access to books without the need to hide in a corner pretending that I am not in fact reading an entire book free of purchase. Therefore I’m constantly wandering through the many Manhattan bookshelves grabbing as many books as I can carry home. A few of my favorite finds are below:

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1. The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl  – Issa Rae

Comical

I have been a fan of Issa since 2010 when I discovered her “Awkward Black Girl” web series. If you’re a fan Issa’s productions (she recently launched Insecure, a new HBO show) then you’ll definitely be a fan of her book and there’s a reason it’s at the top of my list.

 

2. It’s Not About Perfect – Shannon Miller

Inspirational

As a former gymnast myself I am especially intrigued by the life stories of accomplished Olympic gymnasts. Shannon Miller, a part of the Magnificent Seven who brought home the first USA team gold at the ’96 Olympics, shares how she used lessons learned from competing in gymnastics to fight cancer later in life.

 

3. Off Balance – Dominique Moceanu

Inspirational, Reflective

Another intriguing gymnast story, Dominique Moceanu opens up about her broken family life and the abuse she experienced training for & competing in the 1996 Olympics. Later in adulthood Moceanu receives a letter from a fan claiming she is her long lost full-blood sister — and looks just like her! That’s not even the full extent of plot this twist but you’ll have to read to find out more.

 

4. Notes to Boys – Pamela Ribon

Comical, Inspirational

I really enjoyed this book due to the writing style the author adopted. Teenage Pamela Ribon was a hopeless romantic who would not only write profoundly dramatic notes to boys, but also write a copy for her records. Readers will wince reading young Pamela’s old notes & poetry that are coupled with present day commentary for laughs.

 

5. Why Not Me? – Mindy Kaling

Comical

Since The Office days I have loved everything Mindy has put her hands on and this book is no different. In her second book, Mindy shares the awkward and uncomfortable moments that come along with being “kinda famous.”

 

6. Everybody’s Got Something – Robin Roberts

Inspirational

Good Morning America host, Robin Roberts, recounts her journey fighting cancer in the wake of being a well-known TV figure. Throughout the book Robin reminds viewers that regardless of money, race, religion or background someone always is going/has gone/will go through trials & tribulations.

 

7. Year of Yes – Shonda Rhimes

Comical, Inspirational

Readers finally get a look into TV producer/powerhouse, Shonda Rhimes’ personal life as she shares her journey to inner-confidence. Painfully shy, Shonda reveals how she hid behind her characters and storylines, that is until she made a commitment to say “yes” to all new opportunities–including those of utmost discomfort.

 

8. What I Know For Sure – Oprah Winfrey

Reflective

Everything Oprah touches turns to gold in my eyes so of course I enjoyed reading words of wisdom from Mother O. Because hello, it’s OPRAH. No more explanation necessary. Thank you Mother O for blessing us commoners with a book filled with your wisdom.

 

9. Modern Romance – Aziz Ansari

Reflective, Comical

As I read Aziz Ansari’s book all I kept repeating in my head was “SO TRUE.” Aziz truly does his research analyzing and uncovering the world of modern dating, showcasing how and why this generation’s dating world completely unlike any others’ due to technology. He brings light to the unique benefits and struggles we face and how we can all improve.

 

10. Cinderella Ate My Daughter – Peggy Orenstein

Comical, Reflective

Raising a 3-year-old daughter, Peggy Orenstein questions the world of pink and princess fluff that her toddler seems innately drawn toward. Is it all harmless or will the messaging harm young girls’ self-esteem? With humor, Orenstein asks these questions and raises concerns about how princess culture leads to the sexualization of girlhood.

 

11. Quiet – Susan Cain

Reflective

The full title of this book is “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.” Growing up I was always under the impression that extroverts were favored to introverts, which resulted in a lot of awkward and uncomfortable situations. This book shares all the crucial traits and skills introverts bring to the table and how society suffers if we force everyone into extroversion.

 

12. Living Forward – Michael Hyatt & Daniel Harkavy

Reflective, Inspirational

If you’re looking for a step by step guide to plan for your future, this book will provide the exercises to get your priorities in line and live the life you’re purposed for. Authors provide personal exercises that will readers stop drifting and instead live with purpose.

 

If you have any book recommendations please let me know!

How Can I Make an Impact?

Anger and angst — these are the emotions that I have been cycling through. Both leaving me crippled with overwhelming fear.

It’s taken me a while to be able to speak on the incidents of police brutality that have been unveiled over the last few weeks. One reason being because just as I begin to process an event and put my words down, another incident comes to light, leaving me at a loss for words again. This has become traumatizing — constantly watching the modern-day genocide of black men through police brutality. And it has been equally exhausting trying to convince people that this problem exists.

It feels as though there’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said. If you don’t already know by now that black lives matter then will throwing a hashtag on it really make you change your mind? Is retweeting quotes of Jesse Williams’ speech actually educating the people who need it the most? Does anyone hear me? Does my voice really matter? How can I make an impact?

Because I’ve spoken up but it still feels as though the only people who hear me are like-minded individuals who are caught in a similar system of oppression. We cycle the same messages amongst each other but it’s like those on the outside just scroll right past us or comment “I get that black lives matter but…” Black people can’t bear the responsibility of ending racism in America. There’s really only so much we can possibly do.

I remember interning at a local news station on February 27th, 2012 when I saw the image of Trayvon Martin plastered on every TV screen. I remember marching through downtown Austin while recording a podcast so people could understand how Trayvon’s death and legacy affected us in Austin. Determined, I stayed up all night creating the podcast to share with anyone I could. I had faith that the power of social media would overpower traditional media and be a solution to end these occurrences. In my mind I thought, this has to be the last straw. There’s no way Zimmerman’s getting away with this….

But he did. And then it happened again. And again and again and again. And then from there it kept spiraling to the point that I saw no end in sight. I remember scrolling through Twitter on August 9, 2014 when I saw pictures of Michael Brown’s body lying in the street for hours as he bled out, in front of neighbors and children, only be dumped in the back of someone’s car. This eventually escalated to what we know as #Ferguson. As a nation we watched, shocked and appalled as militarized law enforcement abused the rights of journalists and Ferguson citizens who were justifiably angry at the lack of justice. I tweeted, I ranted, I wanted to make sure EVERYONE saw and acknowledged the lack of justice that plagued black communities in America. This has to be the last straw. There’s absolutely no way they can get away with treating people like this….

But the policeman who shot Michael Brown got away with it. Then I saw Eric Garner’s murder. I watched a cop use an illegal chokehold technique against a man who was obviously nonviolent. We all saw the entire confrontation and murder from start to finish on video. At least it was all recorded, I naively thought. There was nothing left to be decided. There were no ifs, ands or buts; not even a maybe. This cop was in the wrong for murdering an innocent human being. We’ve cornered him, we’ve got all the video evidence! There’s no way he will get away with this…

On December 3, 2014 I was working on Capitol Hill when the entire press office gasped when we saw “NO INDICTMENT” run across the every TV screen on every major station.

That’s when the helplessness sunk in. It didn’t matter that there was video evidence, or that the nation was up in arms, or that a black man was in the White House–we weren’t going to get justice. They could so easily kill us, weasel out of any repercussions, and then end up profiting from a GoFundMe campaign. And that’s when I became numb.

I’m not saying that my response was right but that was my last straw. I didn’t know how to combat this issue anymore.

Obviously there have been hundreds of similar incidents before, between and since these: the Texas teen pool party of 2015, Sandra Bland, 7-year-old Aiyana Jones, I COULD GO ON FOREVER. It was the death of Alton Stirling that stirred me up again. I saw the hashtag trending and thought, Here we go again. Another cycle of murder, ignored video evidence, cop gets off, ends up with some sort of monetary gain. The video pained my soul and I didn’t even watch it all the way through as I found myself sobbing.

Just as we were mourning the traumatic death of Alton Stirling LESS THAN 24 HOURS LATER we witnessed, live, Philandro Castille murdered in front of his 4 year old daughter and girlfriend during a traffic stop. Since I started writing this post a week ago, I’ve seen at least three more videos of police stepping out of line attacking black people in Miami, Austin and Louisiana.

Anger, angst and fear.

It’s not possible to be numb anymore. I have to say something  for the slightest, tiniest, most minuscule chance that my thoughts and expressions could progress change. Standing in support of black Americans is often considered “controversial” and frowned upon in this country but I refuse to shy away.

At this moment I’m still spinning my wheels trying to strategize how I can best work to improve the racial climate of our country. If you’re ever feeling powerless about any issue, as I often have, I’ve provided a link to an article that provides 26 ways you can contribute to ending violence and injustice that you may have not have already thought of. A few that I’d like to add are:

1. Make sure you’re registered to vote.
2. Make sure you actually vote. Yes, there’s the presidential election but also keep in mind that88% of Congress is up for re-election this year.
3. Pray/meditate/speak to whatever higher being you may believe in. Take care of your mental and spiritual health.

There’s so much more to be said but for now, be safe.

– Cathryn